just another bag of bones.

why cant i do anything.
why am i failing, even though i'm putting effort in.
i'm dying inside and i'm sick of never being happy but teachers are making me feel like i should stay on because "you have so much talent" i may have talent but i'm not happy and i can't let it go anywhere if i'm not happy. i'm so stressed about everything and i have so much to do. i just feel like i've got noone to lean on for help and support. i'm fucking sick.

i hate that i hate myself and that i have no idea why i do. or why i actually repluse myself. its scary. noone should feel the way i feel about myself it's so confusing because i do actually know i'm not as bad as i think i am but i just cant stop myself from put downs. i'm far to stressed for a normal 16 year old.
hating this.

culture.

is it weird that i would rather visit amazing and beautifuly places than waste my money by sitting on a beach with a bunch of drunk chavs. doesnt sound like "banter" to me. maybe it has a lot to do with the fact i have only been on one beach holiday in my life and i'm used to visiting museums, ruins, differnt languages and food. i dont understand spending hundreds of good shopping money to go to a place that has mcdonalds and everything you expect in a british city just hotter and full of kids. maybe i am as stuck up as people say.
hardly a bad thing really though.

i'm watching grand designs. i love this programme, i'd like to build my own house. i'm just far to indesisive. i cant see myself in a house just yet either, i always imagine myself in a crazy studio appartment.

goals has been what todays been about. what i want out of life and what i want to do after school. my dad laughed that i still want to be living in america by the time im 25 because i used to say that all the time apparently. i can't wait. 25 is my scary age right now btw. so i'm applying for colleges this week. i'm scared. :(

i'm not going to comment on my food today
it's been a few friends birthdays.
and i hate myself.

jesus christ I’m not scared to die, but I’m a little bit scared of what comes after

i've excerisized a lot today.
infact burned 500 cals in 40mins which felt stupidly good.
i've been thinking more about this holiday, i have a few ideas now. still not too sure about this money stuff though. i found a job ill need to call up about, its every second saturday 9-5:30. i could deal with that.

today is my day of fear of death.
you know theres a friday the 13th in feb, march and nov.
i think thats pretty scary. i'm an idiot though.
SO MUCH THAT I WANT.

this ataris gig on friday should turn out pretty nice. i know quite a few people going i'm just not sure of the location, noone is infact.
my exams also start next week and im taking monday of to goo to glasgow.
IM WISE.

food.
special k
panini
special k

i'm terrible.

my biggest fear in life right now is becoming a size 12.
sick. :(

food
special k
roll
2 fajitas
special k

NOT DOING WELL :(

statment.

I really want acid wash jeans. I never wear jeans though. I'm also considering a black jumpsui, I think im to small though but it fairness mary-kate can pull it of but again I may be as small as her but im not that thin :(

Im stressing. I hate exams.

i with drew £150 to put along with the £70 i've kept for manchester.i should save a fair bit more.
no idea how i'm going to get money for this holiday.i might start selling myself. or i'll get back in the swing of ebay after my shopping spree in manch. i own more clothes than i need, the fact that i have 5 striped dresses which all have grey in them and are basically the same shape is sickening. ohh well. this is a distraction from tidying. duh.

xxx

diet update.

today.
special k.
4 veggie pakors.
special k.

yesterday.
panini.
popcorn.
fruitella's.
crisps.

yesterday was the killer ill admit.
i had done alot of walking and excersize.
ohh well i'll get back on top of things soon.

something awful just like kisses on the necks of "best friends"

why am i thinking about you all of a sudden? and everymoment we had. get out of my head! i don't want this. how annoying. :( i'm clearly missing you more than i have done before.
GREAT.
get back in my life.

world shut your mouth.

i was going to stoop to a new low and bitch over a blog about a person who ive ment 3-4 times?
who done the same to me. i wont, just want to clear a few things up. i'm studying higher photography and my photos are party of my project and there hasn't been a moment in my life where i've not wanted to do something involving art. i also love fashion, clothes and money. when i say i hate people looking the same, i mean they dont have an edge about them. i don't even know if you have my blog or what ever, it's just you dont really know me and it was a bit crazy.

how ironic though. today i'm drawing irratically because i'm behinde on my expressive sheets and popping out with the camera a bit. i think i'm going to the cinema later to see rolemodels or milk. popcorn yum.
xxx

she's one in a million.

i dyed my hair yesterday.
it's a dark brown, kinda hard to get used to and everyone saying its not nice was a bit of a hit to the confidence. i'm going to excersize a lot tonight and have some veggie burgers. so glad its friday :) me and amanda are off to the cinema tomorrow, good times.
xxx

she laughed and danced through the field of graves...

i really disslike kings of leon now.
pill's and thrills? i'm struggling with school, really really sturggling and everyone keep's telling me i'm going to pass but they know shit to be honest. i hate that i've spent the last four years of my life depressed because of school it's not even amusing. i dyed my hair, would anyone like to explain why i do things when i'm in a terrible mood?

food
banana
roll
Diet cola
cereal

but all i know is youll feel his bite tonight…

so much but really so little has happened so far this year. a lot of plans have been made including a holiday to geece, which should be lovely. i left school early today because i "had a migrain" i really just wanted to watch obama.
since all this holiday buisness i'm on a diet again. so ill keep a record here for help. i lost it on saturday though, meal & getting over excited about a pick n mix at the cinema.

also i've finally caved in and i'm in love with twilight.

food
special k
raspberries
soup
veggie burger
3litres of water
xxx